By JAKOB SNOREWELL
I II III IV
And
then it happened, when I suddenly remembered, from all the Bono
scheißstock we involuntarily keep in our heads and from the myriad
of bad jokes my friends and I had made about it, none but the South
Park episode where a perfect rendering of Bono –looking like a
carbon copy of how he does at that very moment– temporarily impedes
Randy Marsh (another unimportant character, like Bono) to remain
holder of the world record for the largest bowel movement (which
means, yes, he has dropped the biggest crap-pile in the history of
the fever to keep records on world records) and demand the title back
to him after interrupting the official awarding ceremony –held by
the American govern- ment on the lawns of the white house– and
coprophilias/ phobias apart maybe the funniest part comes when Bono's
own pirate TV signal appears onto the two huge screens showing the
ceremony over the heads of a cheering crowd and he says, "Hello,
I'm Bono" and the mere sound of his name seems to be attached,
and followed, by a mini video edit –really just a couple of seconds
long– of apparently all of those Bono images we've had to see over
and over for the burnzillionth time and over, as the fly, the cowboy,
the space guy, the upside-down dude, along the Pope, Greenpeace,
Gorbachev, Bishop Tutu, Winnie Mandela, Mother Theresa, George Bush,
Lula Da Silva, The Queen, Sting –you name it!– and always behind
the glasses (for he says "he's allergic to flashes”, he-he,
"he's got very sensitive eyes") in pink, yellow, baby-blue
et cetera, and, because I remember in the end of the show it turns
out Bono had set the record in 1960, his year of birth, and through
an outlandish South Parkish twist we learn Bono is actually a turd (I
like much better the word kakkewurstli)
which has being raised as a boy, being that the ultimate reason why
through all his life, in spite of his reach of fame and the
performing of all his humanitarian campaigns, he's been able to
remain looking "like such a piece of shit" (!) and I thought
of telling him –as the elevator started breaking for his exit on
the sixth– "You were great in South Park!"